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Memoir writing process

Memoir Gifts on Father’s Day

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We’re getting down to the wire—just a week and a half to figure out what you’re getting your dad for Father’s Day 2019. You know your dad has a lot of stories to tell. May I suggest memoir coaching, writing and publishing services as the perfect gift?

A lot of people start writing a memoir only to abandon it. Why? Because writing a book is hard. From figuring out what to write to organizing the information in chapters to sitting down and grinding out the words, the process can feel overwhelming. Having a coach/editor in your corner can make all the difference.

Our professionals at Write My Memoirs can interview your dad and do the writing for him, or we can coach him to do the writing himself and we’ll edit the work as he goes along. We have a “magazine-style bio” option that produces a magazine-length article all about him, and all he has to do is talk to us and send us pictures. Or maybe your dad’s pretty far along in his memoir, and all he needs is the gift of publishing. We’ll take his document and photos, lay out the book for him and publish it as a paperback or hardback book with as many copies as he wants.

This becomes a gift to the whole family, because you’ll have his life documented in his own voice. Years from now you won’t regret neglecting to ask your dad about his childhood, his days in the military, his work or his feelings about life’s challenges and triumphs. At a certain point, people have most of the material things they need. A gift like this shows your dad that you’re thinking of him beyond yet another necktie or the more powerful drill. You care about his life, and you want to find out more. You care about what he cares about. We would love to get to know your dad and help him have a published memoir!

Get a DNA Test Before You Finish Your Memoir

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In the process of writing your memoir, you’re probably researching a bit of your background. You may be checking your parents’ or grandparents’ birthplaces. Maybe you’re asking relatives to fill in a family tree so that you know exactly how you’re related to your cousins. This is what memoir authors have always done. Today you have another tool: the DNA test.

A memoir published earlier this year, Inheritance: A Memoir Of Genealogy, Paternity, And Love, addresses author Dani Shapiro’s discovery that the man who raised her was not her biological father. Shapiro traces her reaction from learning this information through fully processing it and then reflecting on it. She discovered this fact when she used one of the DNA testing companies such as the popular 123andMe or AncestryDNA. Shapiro wasn’t the product of an affair, so she didn’t have to deal with a parent’s infidelity or secret life. She’d known that her parents had sought help for infertility, and she’d been told that her mother had been artificially inseminated with her father’s sperm. It turns out that she came about through donor sperm; eventually Shapiro met her biological father. Her book explores the dynamics of parenthood and identity as she grappled with a fresh view of both.

So think about taking one of these tests. The company will give you the names of people who match you, and you may find out that you share DNA with someone you weren’t expecting to turn up as a relative. Perhaps you could contact the person and expand your knowledge of your biological family either just for your own background information or for inclusion in your story. Like Shapiro, you may decide that the new knowledge provides insight for you and has become an important enough piece of your identity to build the book around it—or maybe just a chapter. As commercials for these companies show, maybe you always thought your family hailed from one country and now you know that there’s a broader mix or you’re from a different part of the world altogether.

Also consider the health information available through these testing services. If you have a genetic condition you weren’t aware of, that could affect your outlook about the future or just become something you’ll want to share in your book. In all likelihood, the test will confirm what you already know, both about your health and your genealogy. But writing a memoir is a big project, and you might as well gather as much information as you can before you put your book out there as the truth about you.

Naming Your Memoir: Not So Easy for Us Non-Celebrities

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Michelle Obama gave her heralded memoir the unremarkable title of Becoming. Snarky comic George Carlin tried only semi-successfully working his famous “7 dirty words” stand-up routine into his autobiography by calling it the generic Last Words. Creative Desi Arnaz came up with the less-than-creative A Book, dramatically gifted Katharine Hepburn wrote the undramatically named memoir Me, the autobiography of trailblazing actor Sidney Poitier carries the trite title of The Measure of a Man, original Johnny Cash chose the unoriginal Cash, Dolly Parton and Ozzy Osbourne had similar thoughts with, respectively, Dolly and I Am Ozzy and genius inventor Ben Franklin devised The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin. So maybe you don’t have to hurt your brain and struggle to figure out what to call your memoir, right?

Wrong! You are not a former first lady, disruptive comedian, Oscar-winning actor, iconic singer or founding father. You cannot rely on name recognition to attract readership, so you need a title that actually says something.

For guidance, let’s continue down the celebrity list. The late Carrie Fisher had a best-seller with Wishful Drinking. A pun is not an original idea, because puns are so popular for memoir titles and a bit of a copout since they’re clever by definition. But Fisher’s title—comedic, dramatic and tragic all at once—has so many implications that I like it a lot. Michael J. Fox named his autobiography Lucky Man: A Memoir. This simple title gives the reader immediate knowledge of the author’s outlook on life, even without the ironic twist implying that someone living with Parkinson’s Disease might be considered quite unlucky. Carly Simon’s Boys in the Trees sparks curiosity about which boys, which trees and what any of that has to do with the author.

Duplication is another thing to consider. With all of the books out there, duplicating a title is a strong possibility. Using your own name in the title is the most obvious way to avoid that, but it’s not the only idea. Tina Fey’s famous Bossypants has a memorable name that pretty much ensures uniqueness. Crafting a very long title increases the chances that yours will be the only one to have it. Consider Billy Crystal’s memoir, called Still Foolin’ ’Em: Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys? A funny title is great for an upbeat memoir, but even comedians run the gamut on this dynamic. Both Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Chandler and Yes Please by Amy Poehler earned rave reviews, but I think we know which one gets the catchy title award.

If there’s an ultimate title to emulate, I’d choose Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. A title doesn’t get better than that—revealing that the author’s life has provided insight into the feeling of being caged while inviting the reader to look inside to find out where the joy or optimism—the “singing”— comes in. But Angelou is a poet; we shouldn’t hold ourselves to that standard. We ordinary, non-poet, non-celebs should put some thought into it, test out a few of our title finalists on friends and family and then give it our best shot. And if all else fails, yes, there’s a Buzzfeed quiz that will create a memoir title for you.

Join our “Memoirs Live” Online Memoir Writing Group – for FREE!

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We’re excited to announce our new Write My Memoirs Support Group! It’s a virtual audio/video meet-up that you can join from your computer or your phone. Let’s do some Q&A.

When does this start?
We’re aiming for the end of June 2019.

How often will the group meet?
We’ll hold two 1-hour meetings a week. One will be scheduled on a weekday in the daytime, and the second one will be on a weeknight in the evening or possibly on the weekend (all U.S. time zones, but all countries are welcome to participate).

How many participants will there be?
We’ll keep it small, capping it at 15 participants for any session. But these are opt-in meetings; some people may want to join only once a week or even once a month. So each meeting may have just a handful of people. We’ll have to see how that goes.

What will we do at the meetings?
We’re there to offer each other support in writing our memoirs. Some of the discussion will focus on motivation. I will facilitate these meetings. I’m a professional writer and writing coach and an expert in grammar, so I can answer questions or give a quickie lesson if appropriate. Participants who want critiques can read passages or perhaps submit a passage beforehand that I can share by email with the group to save the reading time at the session.

Do I have to download an app to participate?
No! We’re going to use a brand new platform, Spoka Meet, that emails you a link. Just click on the link and you’re in the meeting.

What’s the technology like?
We’re really excited that through Spoka Meet we’re able to bring you a high-quality experience. It will feel as if we’re all in a room together, with our faces lined up at the bottom and sharing a whiteboard as the main focus. You can choose to turn the video on or off. You can just type out chat if you prefer not to speak. So you could even do this on a public computer in a library, listen in on your phone in the car—lots of options.

You said it’s free?
This first offer is FREE! Get in all summer for lifetime free membership. If this helps people, in the fall we’ll begin offering it as a fee-based service, but the cost will always be very low.

How do I join?
Let me know you’re interested by emailing me at: ro*****@************rs.com and I will stay in touch until we have the exact dates nailed down. Then you’ll receive the email link to enter the conversation.

Hope to see you at Memoirs Live!

For Easter, Go On a Memory Egg Hunt

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Here’s a riddle for you: How is Easter Day like a memoir? There’s an egg hunt for both. On Easter Sunday, children go, baskets in hand, into fields, backyards, playgrounds and urban settings to search for colorful eggs hidden by, they’re typically told, the Easter Bunny. When you write a memoir, your field is your own mind as you explore to find the eggs—the memory nuggets of stories that will fill your basket—er, book.

Like the Easter eggs, each of your stories is different and colorful! Some are fancy, and some are plain. Some are dark, and some are light. Some are somber, and some are playful. You fill your basket with one egg at a time—write out each story as it appears in your mind’s eye. Notice the colors and design. Pick it up and see how heavy it is. Roll it and see where it goes. Observe how others interact with it.

This analogy helps you to see that, like a basket of distinct eggs, your memoir comprises stories that can stand alone but also complement each other when gathered together. You can understand that it doesn’t matter whether the basket is large or small—or whether your memoir is long or short. There isn’t a predetermined place to stop gathering eggs or writing chapters. But eventually either all the eggs will have been grabbed up, or the ones that are left will be too obscure to be found. You’ll have enough to tell the stories that fit best into your memoir, and you’ll be satisfied that each one is tucked into place and ready to be presented.

Finding Your Memories

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You’re the one who’s lived your life, so you know you have memories, but by the time you get around to writing them down you may find that those memories are not as sharp as you’d thought. What was that person’s name again? Where did we meet for coffee that day? Which car did I have back then? Which one of my siblings came with us? The last thing you want is to open up your published book, read a passage and slap yourself on the forehead because you suddenly realize that you got something very wrong, even if it was a relatively minor detail.

So how do you find those memories or check whether what you’re remembering today is actually what happened in the past? Your memories fall into two categories: those that have some documentation, and those that reside solely in your head and/or someone else’s head. If you do everything on the following checklist, you’ll exhaust both groups. Once you’ve done the best you can do, then if you find out after publication that you made an error, at least you won’t blame yourself for not doing the legwork.

  • Check records. The public domain offers a lot of documentation regarding personal milestones—birth dates, death dates, marriage dates, birthplaces, home purchases, criminal offenses. But Google searches also are useful for fact-checking everything from the location of a restaurant and the year a car model was introduced to the correct spelling of a street name, military base or TV character.
  • Consult your diary. If you kept a journal at any point in your life, you are one of the lucky ones! This helps immensely as you try to get back into your younger head not just for factual detail but for mood, motive and reaction.
  • Interview friends and family. Older family members often have all sorts of information to contribute to your memoir, such as the family’s geographic roots and some family secrets they’ll agree to share. Gather your siblings and play “Match the Memory” to confirm your recollections of your childhood. Ask your friends to recall conversations you had with them at the time of a situation you’re describing in your memoir.
  • Gather artifacts and photos. Go into your attic, basement, parents’ house, friends’ Facebook pages and anywhere else that may hold visual cues like photos, slides, home movie film, letters, Christmas cards, picture postcards, personal calendars and phone directories, “Rolodex” cards, newspaper clippings, report cards, school programs, mementos, artwork, trophies and other awards, house deeds and floor plans, medical records, passports and other travel documents and even old clothing to get a feel for the fashion of earlier times.
  • Listen to contemporaneous music. There’s nothing like an old song to rekindle the emotion you felt at the time it was popular. Close your eyes and picture not only where you were when you heard the song but who you were.
  • Visit old neighborhoods. Spending a day in your hometown and dropping by haunts where you used to hang out can spark memories with sights and sounds. As with the music of the time, physically being in the space can recreate emotion that you may not have experienced in a long time.
  • Make your mom’s recipe. Taste and smell are two more important senses for triggering memory and emotion. Even if it doesn’t work on that level, it’s fun to cook or bake something you ate during your childhood.
  • Daydream. When you’re writing a memoir, daydreaming is not a waste of time. Think back to a year or an event, and let your mind wander wherever it wants to go. Really get lost inside your head—but as soon as you come out of your trance, write it all down!

A Guide for Knowing Whether You Need an Editor

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We don’t hide our hope that you’ll come to Write My Memoirs if you want an editor to help you professionalize your writing. Of course we want to work with you! But we’re truthful about it—not everyone needs to hire an editor. We designed this “decision tree” to help you determine whether your memoir would benefit from hiring a professional editor. If you do decide to work with an editor, we would love to step into that role for you.

Take Time Not Just For Writing but also From Writing

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We hear a lot about how to make time for writing but not as much about how to take time from writing. Whether writing is your profession or your hobby, it’s not your whole life. Stick to a schedule that builds in time for various other activities.

Among the good reasons to take a break:

  1. Remind yourself that if you don’t get up from your computer, not only won’t you make valuable memories with family and friends but you also will simply burn out faster as a writer.
  2. Physical activity is critical, so periodically stop writing and start moving. Sitting is the new smoking – not good for you to do 24/7. Physical activity also feeds your brain and nourishes your creativity. Oxygen!
  3. Life experiences are what informs your work; if you don’t get out into the world and keep experiencing, you’ll run out of topics to write about.

So many things make up a well-rounded and well-purposed life. The tasks alone—childcare, cleaning, shopping, cooking, tending to your car, preparing taxes, answering personal email—obviously need time and attention. Then you also benefit from activities such as reading, traveling, visiting friends, listening to music, going out to dinner, seeing a movie, watching a little TV, local sightseeing—the list really is endless, and let’s not forget that we all should be getting roughly eight hours of sleep each night.

You can limit your daily hours, the days of the week or both. Perhaps ban writing on weekends or set a policy of no-writing-Wednesdays. If you are writing on the side and have a full-time job, this whole situation is more difficult, but it’s still a good idea not to wear yourself out. Maybe you’re getting up an hour earlier every day to write or writing every night after dinner. Still establish limits. One morning you sleep that hour, one night you binge a favorite TV show or you always stop writing by midnight.

Coming back to your computer refreshed after a short break helps you stay sharp. Remember that it’s just a little time away; it’s not a new pattern of not writing at all. Still stay engaged and on track!

Do Facts Matter in a Memoir?

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Some people have diaries to source, but many memoir authors rely on their memories to tell the stories of their lives. You could be trying to remember details of events that took place decades ago. How much time and effort should you put into making sure you get your facts straight?

There’s no perfect answer to this, but here are some guidelines:

  • Interview friends and relatives to find out whether they recall events the same way you do. You’ll probably learn a lot from this exercise. Often, some of the key people have died by the time you write your memoir, so interview the players as soon as you think you may ever want to capture your life’s stories. And even if you don’t have a diary, they might have one to share with you.
  • Check pubic records for birth dates, weather conditions and other information that will help you put together a time line, get people’s ages accurate when you set them into a story and ensure that your descriptions make historical sense.
  • Research online accounts of the locations you talk about for clues about terrain, customs, business names and other details that may have faded from your memory.
  • Consider omitting anecdotes if you’re sketchy on the specifics.
  • On the other hand, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the near-perfect. If you can’t be sure of a few things, you still can tell the story.
  • Use asterisks to include footnotes with uncheckable details that someone you’ve interviewed disagrees with, such as how long the labor was or who caught the biggest fish on that summer trip.
  • Feel relatively free to add “color” to your story without being certain you’re presenting it factually. As long as you capture the true intent of what someone said, you don’t need the person’s exact wording; you still can put quotation marks around the words. You can set a story’s backdrop with detail about what you saw, smelled and heard without worrying that it all has to be exactly right—but it does have to convey the emotional impact in the way it did for you that day.

It’s impossible to remember every moment of your life, even the important ones. You’ll remember how you felt, and aim to make the reader feel the same way. But you can describe the surroundings without worrying about getting everything 100 percent accurate. Confirm any facts you can, ask others for input and write your story from your heart, because it’s your story to tell.

Attracting a Publisher: Advice from a Memoir Author Who Did It

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Linda Strader was getting nothing but rejections when she pitched her memoir to agents and publishers. But a couple of rejection letters became her saving grace when she took their advice:

  • “Memoirs need to be universal—they need to resonate with the reader.”
  • “A memoir must read like a novel.”

After a total rewrite based on that information, Strader’s memoir, Summers of Fire, is now on bookstore shelves, thanks to an acceptance from publisher Bedazzled Ink Publishing Company. At editingpen.net, Strader shares tips for making it happen:

  1. Give the publishers what they want. They know what sells. Go to publishers’ websites and read best-selling memoirs by people who are not famous.
  2. Make your memoir a story. It’s not an essay. You need a beginning, middle and end. And, of course, show, don’t tell. You’ve heard this before, but Strader provides the contrast. Telling, she writes, sounds like: “I walked into the hospital to see my sick mother. She lay in bed, unable to speak. I never did like hospitals, so it was hard for me to be there.” But showing lights up all the senses: “The minute I walked into the hospital, the smell of disinfectant about knocked me over. That odor always made me remember the day my dad died, and now it looked like my mom would follow. When I entered her room, I detected the odor of urine and medicine. Her face was gray, her eyelids closed, but her hair had been carefully combed into her favorite style. A heart monitor bleeped steadily; the oxygen tank whooshed. My mom was leaving me and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it—and I was angry.”
  3. Specify what was at stake, the choices you made and how they changed you. Everyone makes decisions, and facing those forks in the road are what can make readers relate to your experiences.
  4. Be yourself. Write from your heart, reveal your true self, show your vulnerability, expose your fears.

If you do all of that, Strader concludes, “readers will relate.” And when readers can relate to your book, publishers will want to get your book out there.

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Then just set up a chapter and start writing your memoir. Don’t worry about rules. There are no rules to writing your memoir; there are only trends. These trends are based on techniques and features identified in current top-selling memoirs. At best, they’re the flavor of the month. If you’re capturing your life in print for your family, for your own gratification or to inspire readers, rather than aiming to set off Hollywood screenplay bidding wars, these trends don’t even apply to you. You’ll write the memoir that suits you best, and it will be timeless, not trend-driven.There are no rules, but there are four steps:

1. Theme/framework
2. Writing
3. Editing/polishing
4. Self-publishing

You’ve researched this, too, and you’ve been shocked at the price for getting help with any one of those steps, much less all four. That’s because most memoir sites promise to commercialize your work. They’ll follow a formula based on current memoir trends, because they want to convince you that they can turn your memoir into a best-seller. These sites overwhelm you with unnecessary information not to help you, the memoir author, but to address Search Engine Optimization (SEO) algorithms so they can sell more.

That’s not what we do at Write My Memoirs. Our small community of coaches, writers and editors are every bit as skilled as any you’ll find, and we charge appropriately for their expertise and the time they’ll spend helping you craft a compelling, enjoyable read. But you won’t pay an upcharge for other websites’ commercialization, the marketing that follows, and the pages of intimidating “advice.” You can sell your book if you like—we have ISBNs available for you—but our organic process of capturing your story takes a noncommercial path.

If you want help with any or all of the four steps above, choose from our services or save money by selecting one of our packages. If you’d like to talk about what’s right for you, schedule a call. One year from now, you can be holding your published memoir in your hand. And at that point, it will be a big deal!

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